


hits your eye like a big pizza pie

by thewalrus_said



Series: Porn Neighbors [3]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Character's Name Spelled as Viktor, Declarations Of Love, I literally have no idea how to tag this, M/M, P-yeet-zza
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-11
Updated: 2019-10-11
Packaged: 2020-12-09 10:10:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20993084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thewalrus_said/pseuds/thewalrus_said
Summary: Yuuri is drunk. Yuuri has pizza. Yuuri has to prove his love to Viktor.These three things are connected.





	hits your eye like a big pizza pie

**Author's Note:**

> Based off [this](https://twitter.com/kellyblaus/status/935068665325727745?lang=en). Love to [Rae](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Zuzuhi) for beta! This is for The Server.

“I am drunk,” Yuuri announced as he and Phichit walked out of the pizza parlor. “Phichit, I am drunk.”

“Yes, yes you are,” Phichit said. “And so am I.”

“You’re less drunk than me,” Yuuri said.

“True.”

“Thank you for the pizza.” Yuuri looked down at the slice of pizza in his hands. “Hey, Phichit?”

“Yeah?”

“Is this pizza, like, perfect, or am I just really drunk?”

Phichit leaned over and slung an arm around Yuuri’s shoulders, peering down at the pizza. “Hmm.”

“Like, this is the ideal slice of pizza,” Yuuri went on. “The colors are right, the pepperoni is right, the crust is right. This is like a pizza emoji in real life.”

“You’re right!” Phichit crowed. “Yuuri, you can’t eat that pizza, it’s too perfect.”

“Oh, I’m gonna eat the shit out of this pizza,” Yuuri said. “But maybe I should take a picture first. So people believe me.”

Yuuri fumbled for his phone. Phichit said, “You can’t eat it, Yuuri. You have to, to, to  _ preserve _ it. You have to mount it on your wall with a little index card. This pizza is  _ art, _ Yuuri.”

Yuuri squinted at his phone. Why had he pulled it out again? “I’m gonna eat the pizza, Phichit.” The pizza was perfect. Perfect. Perfect meant Viktor. “I’m gonna call Viktor!” Yuuri said loudly. “Viktor should see himself in pizza form before I eat him.”

Phichit snickered, arm still tight around Yuuri’s shoulders. Yuuri poked at his phone until Viktor’s contact picture filled his screen. After a few seconds, Viktor answered. “Hello, Yuuuuuuuri,” Viktor drawled. God, his voice was good. “Hello, Phichit.”

Yuuri shrugged Phichit off. Phichit didn’t deserve to see Viktor, he wanted Yuuri not to eat the pizza. “Hello, Viktor!” he said. “First thing you should know, I am drunk.”

“Yes, I could tell,” Viktor said, voice amused. “And you told me you two were going to get drunk to celebrate your game launch.”

“Right,” Yuuri said. “I said that. And we did! And then we got pizza, but Phichit had to do the money part because I was too drunk. And I got you!”

“You got me?”

“In pizza form. Look!” Yuuri held the pizza up to his face.

“That’s me in pizza form?”

“Yes.”

Viktor was smiling.  _ God, _ he had a pretty smile. Yuuri should tell him. But as he opened his mouth, Viktor said, “How is that me in pizza form?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” Yuuri said. “It’s  _ perfect.” _

“It’s perfect?”

“Yes! Just like you!”

On the screen, Viktor blushed. “You think I’m perfect?”

“Duh,” Yuuri said. “Of course you’re perfect, you’re the most perfectest man ever. And this is the most perfectest pizza ever.”

“Let me see that pizza again?” Yuuri obligingly held the pizza up to his cheek again. “Hmm, that does look kind of like an emoji of a pizza come to life, now that you mention it.”

“Right?” Yuuri exclaimed. “It’s so pretty, and it  _ smells _ so good, and it’s making my mouth water.”

“Hmm,” Viktor said, tapping his lips. “I’m getting a little jealous, Yuuri.”

“Jealous? Of what?”

“Of the pizza,” Viktor said. “It sounds like you might like the pizza more than me.”

Yuuri gasped. “I could  _ never, _ Viktor. I like you more than anything!”

“I don’t know,” Viktor said, singsong. “You’re waxing poetic about that pizza.”

“Viktor,” Yuuri said. He stopped walking, because this was serious. “I love you more than I love this pizza.”

Viktor flushed again. It occurred to Yuuri that maybe he’d never said that before? Clearly he should have, if Viktor was going to go around thinking that Yuuri loved  _ pizza _ more than  _ him. _ “I’ll prove it!” Yuuri said. “For you, I’ll... I’ll yeet this pizza.”

Phichit gasped. Viktor said, “Yuuri, you don’t have to yeet the pizza.”

“I’ll yeet it!” Yuuri practically shouted. “To prove I love you!”

“I believe you love me,” Viktor said, “please don’t -”

Yuuri yeeted the pizza. It flew out into the middle of the road, where it was immediately run over by a Honda Civic. “I did it.”

“Oh, Yuuri,” Viktor said, dropping his face into his hands. “Why did you yeet the pizza?”

“I  _ told _ you,” Yuuri said, “to prove my love for you! You’re more perfect than that pizza.”

“But you’re hungry. What will you eat?”

That was true. Yuuri  _ was _ hungry. He considered the matter. “I know! I’ll come over and eat you instead!”

Next to him, Phichit cackled.

“Okay, Yuuri,” Viktor said quickly. “Yes, why don’t you come over? That’s a good idea.”

“Yes,” Yuuri said, nodding. “I’ll come over and I’ll wreck you to prove my love.”

Viktor’s face went back into his hands. “Do you need me to call you a Lyft?” he said, muffled against his palms.

Yuuri shook his head, then realized Viktor wasn’t looking at him. “No,” he said. “Phichit’s less drunk than me, he can do it.”

“I can do it!” Phichit hollered, leaning back into frame. “Viktor, I can do it.”

“Great,” Viktor said. “I’ll see you soon.”

“See you soon!” Yuuri said. “Love you!” He hung up. “I love him, Phichit,” he said.

“I know,” Phichit told him, face bent towards his own phone. “You yeeted a pizza about it.”

The Lyft dropped Yuuri off first, then sped away to take Phichit home. Yuuri carefully extracted his keys and let himself in to the building, then made his way up to the fifth floor. Viktor’s door opened before he could knock. “I’m here,” he said.

“You are,” Viktor said, voice warm. “Come in.” 

The smell hit Yuuri as soon as he walked in. “Did you order a pizza?”

“I did,” Viktor said. “It got here just before you did. It’s in the kitchen.”

Yuuri padded into the kitchen and considered the pizza. Medium size, half pepperoni and half cheese. “This is good,” he said softly, then, louder, “Viktor, this is good!”

“I’m glad,” Viktor said.

“I can definitely Frisbee this out the window to prove my love for you.”

“No, Yuuri,” Viktor said. “This pizza isn’t for you to throw. It’s for you to eat.”

Yuuri squinted at him. “You’ll believe I love you if I eat this whole pizza? That’s doable. I’ve done that before, I can do it again.”

Viktor laughed. He was smiling a lot. It was pretty. “Not the whole pizza, Yuuri. I’ll believe you love me if you eat two slices and drink two big glasses of water.”

“Pshaw,” Yuuri said. “Easy. Done.” He extracted one slice and took a huge bite.

“There’s no rush,” Viktor said. “Get a plate, sit on the couch. I’ll get you your water.”

Viktor made him eat slowly, taking drinks of water between every bite. It was hardly a difficult challenge, and Yuuri was a little worried about its ability to prove his love. But Viktor said this was what he needed to feel secure, so Yuuri would do it. He would do  _ anything _ for Viktor. “I’d do anything for you,” he said, crunching the last bite of crust.

“I know, Yuuri,” Viktor said. He reached out to brush some hair out of Yuuri’s eyes. “You’ve said so six times.”

“It’s important. It’s at  _ least _ six important.”

Viktor laughed. “Okay, Yuuri.”

Pizza done, Yuuri rubbed his hands together. “Okay. Now dessert.”

Viktor raised an eyebrow. “Dessert?”

Yuuri nodded. “Now I eat you, like I said.”

Viktor’s face did a very funny thing. Yuuri laughed. “You don’t have to do that, Yuuri.”

“I promised!” Yuuri insisted. “I keep my promises.”

Viktor leaned in and kissed him. “Okay, Yuuri. Why don’t you go into the bedroom, and I’ll clean up out here and join you in a minute.”

“Okay.” Yuuri stood up and wandered into Viktor’s bedroom. Makkachin was curled up at the end of the bed, so Yuuri sat next to her and commenced petting. Gosh, she was soft. Her fur was almost as soft as Viktor’s hair. “Hey Viktor?” he called out.

“Yes, Yuuri?”

“Makka’s perfect too.”

He could hear Viktor’s smile in his reply. “I think so, too.”

“You’re perfect,” he said to Makka, taking her face in his hands. “You and Viktor deserve each other. I should have brought that pizza home to you. Maybe I’ll go out and get another piece from that place and...” Yuuri was asleep before he could finish the thought.

He woke up with an incredibly dry mouth, in a bed that was not his own. His shoes and pants had been removed, and he was tucked up under the blankets. Viktor’s blankets, he realized after a moment. The night came flooding back to him. Well, shit.

Viktor came in with a glass of water. “Oh, you’re awake!” he chirped. Yuuri winced. “Sorry,” he said more quietly. “I have water and aspirin.” Yuuri made grabby hands. Viktor passed them over.

“Did I...” Yuuri started, once the aspirin was down and the water was drained. “Did I yeet pizza last night?”

Viktor smiled at him. “To prove your love, yes. It was very chivalrous.” Yuuri groaned. “Don’t be embarrassed, Yuuuuuuuri! I loved it.”

“Leave me alone to die,” Yuuri moaned, pulling the blankets over his head.

Viktor’s laugh echoed around the inside of Yuuri’s skull like a church bell. They sat for a few minutes, and then Viktor said hesitantly, “Yuuri?”

“Yes?” Yuuri said, from inside his blanket cocoon.

“Did you... I mean, did you mean it?” Yuuri shoved the blankets off his face. “It’s okay if you didn’t,” Viktor said quickly. “You were really drunk, you could have just been saying things, I’ll understand -”

“Viktor,” Yuuri said. “Of  _ course _ I love you, are you crazy?”

“Oh.” Another smile crept onto Viktor’s face, heart-shaped and beautiful. “I - thank you. And I love you too, obviously.”

Yuuri blinked at him. “I don’t think that’s that obvious.”

Viktor shook his head. “Nope. If it’s ‘of course’ that you love me, then it’s obvious that I love you. Those are the rules.”

“Who wrote those rules?” Yuuri asked. “I didn’t agree to them.”

“I did,” Viktor said. “And yes, you did, you agreed to them by falling in love with me.”

“Oh,” Yuuri said. “Alright, then.”

Viktor beamed at him. “Feeling up for some toast, my love?”

Yuuri went warm down to the tips of his toes. “I think I can manage some toast, yeah.”

Viktor stood and extended a hand. Yuuri took it. “Then let’s go adventuring, my Yuuri.”

**Author's Note:**

> Come find me on [Tumblr](http://thewalrus-said.tumblr.com) or [Twitter](http://twitter.com/thewalrus_said)!


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